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Mark: AD/DC!

  DJ #1: AAAAAAARGH, YOU IDIOT, IT’S AC/DC!

  Mark: AD/DC.

  DJ #1: LOOK. A …C …D …C. Just. Say. That.

  Mark: AC/DC.

  DJ #1 & 2: YEEEEEAAAASSSS!

  DJ #1: Mark, it wasn’t that hard!

  DJ #2: OK, Mark, we’re gonna give you a copy of your favourite AC/DC album. Do you have a favourite album?

  Mark: Uhhhh, anything by AD/DC is good.

  [Sound of DJs in fits of giggles.]

  Mark: Oh, I’ll get it right one of these days!

  Triple M Radio, Australia

  A piece of his mind

  In September 2011, irate radio listener Jonathan from Swansea called in to talkSPORT to tell late-night DJ Matt Forde exactly what he – and, according to his estimates, 99 per cent of the station’s listeners – thought of him.

  During a seven-minute rant, Jonathan accused Matt of the following:

  ‘You are a talentless liar, a shameless sycophantic sell-out with a jelly spine and a mush mind.’

  ‘You even lied about being mugged just to gain sympathy.’

  ‘You hate Western civilization.’

  ‘You’re the reason why we had the [UK summer 2011] riots.’

  Matt held his own and, amidst hysterical giggles, managed to muster the following golden comeback: ‘Jonathan, you’ve swallowed the Internet!’

  Straight to the point

  During a phone-in to discuss the issue of obesity, Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine unwittingly pitched size-eighteen Alison against straight-talking Steve. After Jeremy asked, ‘Is it time to stigmatize being fat?’ the following exchange took place:

  Steve: It’s galling when people are travelling on low-cost airlines and you’re in a queue with an enormously obese person who, God forbid, you’re sitting next to.

  Alison: I cannot believe that I’m hearing this.

  Steve: You don’t want to hear it because you’re overweight and you’re selfish.

  Long live the republic

  April 2011’s Royal Wedding extravaganza between handsome Prince William and bonny Catherine Middleton drew in crowds from across the globe …apart from poor Melvin from Milton Keynes. He wasn’t very happy about the nuptials. Not very happy at all.

  During a call to Jonathan Vernon-Smith’s show on the UK’s Three Counties Radio, Melvin professed the following:

  ‘I feel like I wanna kill myself. I am so sick of it. I mean, what is the point?’

  ‘It’s going to be like the night of the living dead. All the zombie-like creatures coming out, going, “OoooooOOOOoo! Lovely Royal Wedding!”’

  As if to hammer home his dissatisfaction, Melvin finished with, ‘Royal Wedding, Royal Wedding, ROYAL WEDDING. I tell you, I’m bloody FED UP!’ before hanging up.

  ‘There’s too much nudity on TV, and not enough on the radio.’

  AUTHOR JAROD KINTZ

  Skip to the end

  In a segment on educational opportunity, BBC Radio 2 presenter Jeremy Vine received a phone call from a rather irate listener called Norman. Fit to burst by the time he finally got on air (his first words were ‘Ah, at last!’), Norman seemed unable to get to the point.

  During an incoherent diatribe that took in minute details from his early life, Norman told host Jeremy Vine not only to ‘pipe down for a bit’ but also to ‘shut up, just shut up, please, and listen to me’. Having got no further in his argument Norman was finally ushered off air. Studio guest, motivational speaker Brad Burton, was perhaps a little generous when he said, ‘Listen, Norman’s entitled to his opinion.’ While Jeremy Vine finished off the piece by voicing what all listeners had no doubt been thinking: ‘I don’t know what his opinion was.’

  Oops, My Bad!

  Yes, radio listeners can be lunatics. But sometimes the presenters aren’t always that on the ball either.

  Wrong number

  While live on air, Australian DJ Rod Smith called up what he thought was the weather centre at Forest Hill, Melbourne. The idea for the segment was to give radio listeners an up-to-date weather report straight from the horse’s mouth. Sadly, Smith mis-dialled …

  Rod: Looks like we’re in for a fine day?

  Joe Public: I would think so.

  Rod: What’s it looking like your way?

  Joe Public: Fine and sunny.

  Rod: Going for a top twenty-three? What can you predict later on today, or through the week?

  Joe Public: It will be a very sunny day. As you say, twenty-three.

  Rod: And for Wednesday, would you say it’s going to improve?

  Joe Public: I have no idea.

  Rod: [Laughs and hesitates.] …Well, with the weather it can change very quickly. Going for a top twenty-three …looking very good.

  Joe Public: Looking lovely, been out for my walk this morning.

  Rod: You guys at Forest Hill keep us up-to-date.

  Joe Public: I hope we’re not on air, Rod?

  Rod: [Laughs, realizes he’s in the shit.] Yes, we are.

  Joe Public: You got the wrong number, mate.

  FM breakfast show, Australia

  ‘Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.’

  COMEDIAN FRED ALLEN

  URBAN LEGENDS

  The myths of live broadcast debunked

  In August 1984, during his weekly radio address to the nation, Ronald Reagan was thought to have announced, ‘My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia for ever. We begin bombing in five minutes.’

  However, Reagan did not in fact broadcast the bombing of Russia to a terrified wireless audience. According to reports he was known for regularly joking around prior to radio broadcasts. However, when the audio was leaked, the Russians were not amused.

  CURRENT AFFAIRS

  NEWSWORTHY GAFFES

  Faced with a continuity error, some television presenters crumble. Panicking when forced to fill screen time without a script, they either stare blankly into the lens or verbally falter. But a rare few broadcasters manage to rise above the gaffes, as if nothing could ruffle their media-trained feathers. So this one’s for you, Jeremy Paxman – we salute you, you sarcastic, unflappable bastard!

  Accidents Happen

  If you’re in charge of a live broadcast the number one lesson to be learnt is: accidents can – and most probably will – happen.

  ‘Here at Over Farm in Gloucester you’re never short of things to look at and things to do. There are so many wonderful anima— [two enormous pigs are accidentally caught mating on camera] …er, haha!’

  Unknown newscaster for a UK local news report

  ‘I can’t hear a word. I don’t know what’s being said to me.’

  Political broadcaster Robin Day, proving live links are rarely a good idea

  ‘… and if you’re wondering what that noise was, it was my desk lamp falling over.’

  Sarah Montague on Radio 4’s Today programme

  Don’t work with children, animals …or buses

  A live broadcast in Cincinatti, Ohio, was interrupted in January 2012 when a bus almost mowed down a gathering of reporters. The assembled journalists were there for a press conference on, of all things, workplace safety, but were rudely interrupted when a bus barged into their throng. The vehicle’s driver tried in vain to reverse her oversized chariot; when she couldn’t she dismounted and gave the reporters a piece of her mind. Telling her attendant victims she was ‘just trying to do her job’, the lady bus driver added, ‘If this group of people hadda moved out of the way, I wouldn’t have ran into this truck!’

  ‘The great thing about television is that if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel.’

  AUTHOR UNKNOWN

  Watch your back

  Clocking the global trend for light-hearted news stories about cute animals, Saxony Zoo knew it was on to a good thing when it discovered Til, a bunny rabbit born without ea
rs. A press conference was duly called in February 2012, but the rabbit’s time in the spotlight was brief to say the least. During filming a cameraman took a wrong footing and stepped on the bunny, killing it instantly.

  ‘I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked “brightness”, but it don’t work, does it.’

  COMEDIAN LEO ANTHONY GALLAGHER

  Naughty Newscasters

  Those television professionals can be a cheeky, childish bunch, as these tales will attest.

  Up yours!

  A Russian news anchor raised her middle finger at President Obama when she thought the cameras weren’t on her.

  After reading out the US President’s name during a news piece, loose-fingered Tatyana Limanova flipped up her middle finger in full view of the camera. Although she tried to claim her gesture had simply been ‘a signal’ to the autocue, the award-winning senior journalist was fired shortly after the incident.

  Sleep easy

  BBC News presenters are sometimes so bored by their programmes they fall asleep at their fancy news desk.

  In March 2012, cameras panned onto fifty-year-old BBC Breakfast news presenter Simon McCoy when he had his head on the desk, apparently snoozing. Although McCoy later denied everything to his Twitter followers, saying, ‘I was not asleep!’, his co-host tweeted, ‘Intravenous caffeine now being administered to @simonmccoy.’

  Inveterate prankster

  When he worked for Irish national network RTÉ, veteran broadcaster Terry Wogan used to burn his co-hosts’ scripts while they were live on air.

  Wogan admitted to it on the BBC’s Would I Lie to You?, revealing that much of his early career involved quite a bit of pranking.

  Jeremy Paxman: Cross Him At Your Peril

  Author, broadcaster, journalist, angry man: Jeremy Paxman tells it like it is.

  ‘Good evening. If the autocue was working I could now read you something. But as it isn’t, I can’t.’

  Jeremy Paxman, during the opening of BBC Two’s Newsnight

  ‘I’ll be here again tomorrow night, when it would be jolly nice if you could sit up and pay attention.’

  Jeremy Paxman, at the close of Newsnight in 2008

  ‘… To tomorrow’s weather forecast. It’s a veritable smorgasbord! Sun! Rain! Thunder! Hail! Snow! Cold winds! It’s almost worth going to work.’

  Jeremy Paxman: sometime weather presenter

  Paxman vs Blair

  Getting up Tony’s nose:

  Paxman: Does the fact that George Bush and you are both Christians make it easier for you to view these conflicts in terms of good and evil?

  Blair: I don’t think so, no. I think that whether you’re a Christian or not a Christian, you can try and perceive what is good and what is evil.

  Paxman: You don’t pray together, for example?

  Blair: [Exasperated.] No, we don’t pray together, Jeremy. No.

  Newsnight, BBC Two

  Urban legends

  The myths of live broadcast debunked

  When NASA Space Shuttle Challenger undertook its tenth, disastrous, mission on 28 January 1986 it was thought to have been broadcast live by the BBC on children’s programme Newsround.

  However, although footage of the disaster – which resulted in the tragic death of all seven members of the crew – was shown during the opening titles, it had in fact occurred fifteen minutes earlier. Newsround was still the first to break the story and to broadcast the footage.

  ‘Television has raised writing to a new low.’

  SAMUEL GOLDWYN

  Paxman vs his editor

  Closing the show in the way only he knows how:

  ‘That’s all from Newsnight tonight. Martha’s [Kearney] being punished for some offence in a previous life by presenting tomorrow’s programme. In the meantime, it’s all available again on our website, along with our editor’s pathetic pleas for you to send some of us your old bits of home movie and the like so we can become the BBC’s version of Animal’s Do the Funniest Things. Good night.’

  Newsnight, BBC Two

  Paxman vs Blair, round two

  Still getting up Tony’s nose:

  Blair: These are people who own the Express newspapers?

  Paxman: Yes.

  Blair: Right, well, in that case and in my view, it’s perfectly acceptable for us to take a donation from them.

  Paxman: They also own Horny Housewives, Megaboobs, Posh Wives and Skinny and Wriggly. Do you know what these magazines are like?

  Blair: No.

  Newsnight, BBC Two

  ‘Do I sometimes set out to wrong-foot people? Yes.’

  Jeremy Paxman on his interviewing style

  ‘And for tonight’s weather – it’s April, what do you expect?’

  Jeremy Paxman at it again

  Lessons in Newsreading

  It’s an important job that takes verve, intelligence and significant powers of concentration. If you’re keen to take the plunge and become a newsreader, whatever you do, learn from the mistakes of these professionals.

  1. Remember to pause

  The script: This is BBC World News. I’m Jonathan Charles [PAUSE]. Kept hidden for almost two decades and forced to bear children …

  How it was read by the newsreader: This is BBC World News. I’m Jonathan Charles, kept hidden for almost two decades and forced to bear children.

  BBC World News

  2. Try not to fumble your words

  News host: Thank you very much, Rob. I’m back with a look at the head-weather …with the headlines …after a look at …the weather, with Rob McCowd …er …McCowdrey. Oh. God.

  BBC World Service Television

  3. Do your homework

  President Obama [after confirming the death of Osama bin Laden]: … May God bless the United States of America.

  Fox News host: President Obama, speaking from the east room of the White House, telling us, the nation and the world, President Obama is, in fact, dead.

  Fox 5 News

  This wasn’t the only time this happened – over fifty different TV hosts mixed up Osama’s death with the death of the president.

  4. Untie that tongue

  News anchor: Prime Minister’s Questions now from Tony Black, Tony Blair, back with some bleary-eyed nose …er …bleary-eyed news …I’m getting this all wrong, aren’t I?

  BBC Six O’Clock News

  5. Read the script

  The following exchange occurred on US television during a traffic report that involved two unruly cows.

  News anchor #1: Not many cars were moving, but moo-ing could be heard on the Capital Beltway around Washington, DC, earlier this morning. A tractor-trailer transporting Black and Gus – [one of the cows is shown on-screen] there’s Black or Gus – was stopped on the side of the Beltway while the driver changed a flat tyre.

  News anchor #2: [Sarcastically.] Wow, I wonder if those cows named Black and Gus were actually Black Angus cows, perhaps?

  Anchor #1: Oh …er, yes.

  Anchor #2: You know, it’s just a possibility.

  Anchor #1: [Equally sarcastic.] Are you saying I misinterpreted something?

  Anchor #2: No! [Gesturing to his co-host’s script.] That was a government source, wasn’t it?

  [They both giggle.]

  TECHNICAL GREMLINS

  GHOSTS IN THE MACHINE

  Irreverent subtitling, creative on-screen graphics, studios plunged into darkness during a broadcast: if there’s going to be a technical spanner in the works, you can bet your bottom dollar it will happen live on TV.

  Shonky Subtitles

  The live broadcast might be going down without a hitch; the presenters delivering their lines with faultless aplomb; the guests behaving with complete decorum. But there’s still room for error …

  ‘Andy Murray has become Midge Ure.’

  BBC Wimbledon coverage (it should have read ‘mature’)

  ‘The Chamber of horrors is starting to lurk.’


  BBC News (it should have read, ‘The Chamber of commerce is starting to help.’)

  ‘They love to nibble anything that comes into the shed, like our willies.’

  BBC News during an outside broadcast with a pig farmer (who was wearing wellies)

  ‘Well, that’s twenty-two minutes Gordon Brown had the Queen in her private quarters.’