Are We Live? Read online

  COPYRIGHT

  First published in Great Britain in 2012 by

  Michael O’Mara Books Limited

  9 Lion Yard

  Tremadoc Road

  London SW4 7NQ

  Copyright © Michael O’Mara Books Limited 2012

  All rights reserved. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Papers used by Michael O’Mara Books Limited are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

  ISBN: 978-1-84317-866-8 in paperback print format

  ISBN: 978-1-84317-963-4 in EPub format

  ISBN: 978-1-84317-964-1 in Mobipocket format

  Cover design by Ana Bjezancevic

  Designed and typeset by K.DESIGN, Somerset

  Illustrations by Andrew Pinder

  Printed and bound in Great Britain by CPI Cox & Wyman, Reading, RG1 8EX

  www.mombooks.com

  CONTENTS

  Title

  Copyright

  Introduction: Brace Yourself

  Bad Romance: Romantic Misfires

  Bodily Dysfunction: Letting Loose

  Not In Front of the Children: Close Your Ears

  Radio Ga-Ga: Making Waves

  Current Affairs: Newsworthy Gaffes

  Technical Gremlins: Ghosts in the Machine

  Language Problems: Mouth Malfunctions

  Nightmare Guests: Sack the Celebrity Booker

  Weathermen: It’s Raining Divas

  Sources

  INTRODUCTION

  BRACE YOURSELF

  In the live studio environment, anything can happen. This is why production companies rely on rigorously edited scripts, bossy floor managers and teams of runners to attend to a TV star’s every unreasonable whim. But all the meetings in the world cannot control that most uncontrollable of things: the human spirit. We humans do not speak according to schedule, we do not always flip the right switch, and sometimes we get angry. Very, very angry. Angry enough, even, to pull out a gun during the news.

  Are We Live? is a book about all the things that can, and have, gone wrong on television and radio. It’s about fluffing the autocue, swearing at audiences and saying no when your boyfriend proposes to you in the middle of a televised baseball game. It’s about ringing into a Saturday-morning children’s television show and calling yourself Jenny Tailia. It’s also about taking off all of your clothes and running across a cricket pitch, waving your pants in triumph. It’s about animals pooping and pecking; life and its very unpredictability.

  This book is divided into handy sections, with not a misplaced word nor an accidental profanity littering its pages. It’s serious too, with important information for all public figures on How to Remember When Your Mic Is Still On. There are also heroes, like the amiable Guy Goma – the man who went for an interview in the accounts department of the BBC only to find himself on a rolling-news broadcast facing questions about illegal downloading. His horrified face should truly be a lesson to us all.

  There are also rude bits; the bits some celebrities show us when they suffer accidental wardrobe malfunctions. Judy Finnigan, Nicki Minaj, lady newsreader with the too-short skirt: you have not exposed yourselves in vain. We remember you; we enjoyed your undeliberate flashes of boob and knicker.

  Are We Live? attempts to answer the most difficult of questions: Why would anyone agree to appear on live television? And who in their right mind would present a weather bulletin when standing next to a massive pelican?

  BAD ROMANCE

  ROMANTIC MISFIRES

  Even the most jaded of souls likes a bit of romance in their life. But one thing’s for sure – a live broadcast is not the way to woo a potential partner, propose to your current squeeze or indeed call to an end a dying relationship. Especially if you both happen to be very famous.

  A Match Made In Heaven

  There’s nothing like a story of a nice engagement to warm the heart. Although the same can’t be said for this story …

  Actually, I don’t think I do

  If live television teaches us anything it is: DO NOT USE IT TO PROPOSE TO YOUR PARTNER. For every one hundred accepted proposals, there are three angry ‘What?’ responses. And nobody, not even you, wants to be on the receiving end of one of those three.

  Host #1: We’ve got a little surprise for you out there in TV land, and here in the studio audience. Nobody knows what’s going on next.

  Host #2: I want to do something kind of special. This was not scripted, this was not a plan. Nobody knows this is about to happen. So not only are you watching this at home for the first time, all the people in the audience are watching it for the first time too. So, is there a Mike in the audience? Everybody give a nice round of applause for Mike!

  Mike: Yeah, um, I’ve been with my girlfriend Lynne for a few months now. Best months of my life. And ah, it’s the season, so I wanted to ask her …Lynne, ah, it’s been the happiest months of my life and I wanted to ask you to marry me.

  Lynne: Can we talk about this later? [ETERNITY-LENGTH PAUSE] …Can we?

  Host#1: Ah, we’ll be right back. Ah, awkward.

  The Almost Late Show with Bobby Bones

  URBAN LEGENDS

  The myths of live broadcast debunked

  On Valentine’s Day 2007, student Ryan Burke filmed himself breaking-up with his girlfriend in front of a crowd of hundreds. The very public performance included Burke shouting, ‘Look, I fucking know you fucked Brad. Like, seriously, how the fuck can you do that to somebody that you care about?’

  Dumbfounded, Burke’s baffled girlfriend replied, ‘You seriously bought these fucking people to do this? …You really want to air this all out?’ She then went on to say some rather embarrassing things about how, as a woman, she had ‘needs’ that weren’t exactly being catered for, accusing Burke of being gay.

  Two weeks later, Fox News interviewed Burke, who admitted the stunt had been a hoax designed to demonstrate the ‘power of the Internet’, and to help promote his new music PR company.

  Let’s Call It a Day

  Breaking up is hard to do. Especially if it’s in front of an audience of millions …

  On second thoughts

  In 2009, Jason Mesnick, star of the US hit television show The Bachelor, broke off his engagement to female contestant Melissa Rycroft live on television.

  After an engagement of six whole weeks, Mesnick chose the season finale to tell Rycroft that he sort of preferred the show’s runner-up contestant, Molly. Upon hearing the news, a clearly distraught Rycroft said (in a strange use of the third person), ‘So, you told Melissa you loved her, you put a ring on Melissa’s finger, but you don’t want to fight for Melissa.’ She then, quite rightly, called him a bastard.

  ‘Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.’

  BILL HICKS

  URBAN LEGENDS

  The myths of live broadcast debunked

  The story goes that Matt Damon broke up with his Good Will Hunting co-star Minnie Driver live on television’s The Oprah Winfrey Show in front of an audience of millions.

  However, despite Damon’s revelations, he and Driver had in fact broken up a week or so previously. Although it’s fair to say Driver was rather unimpressed with Damon talking abou
t the split, especially as it was with one of America’s most popular television show hosts. Driver later told The Times, ‘It’s unfortunate that Matt went on Oprah. It seemed like a good forum for him to announce to the world that we were no longer together, which I found fantastically inappropriate.’

  Not cool

  After finding out his girlfriend of five years, Ashley, had been caught cheating on him, Chris enlisted the help of radio DJs Woody and Rizzuto to dump her live on air. Having duped Ashley into thinking he was going to propose to her, Chris told her, ‘We’ve been together for five years now and I’ve loved you with all of my heart and dreamed of spending the rest of my life with you …I guess I just have one thing to ask you …How long will it take you to get your crap out of my house?’

  However, despite Woody and Rizzuto’s protestations to the contrary, the whole thing’s got to have been a set-up. The excruciating broadcast is a whole ten minutes long and ends with Ashley in tears and the radio DJs in fits of giggles – it’s got to be a fake. Or has it …?

  How Insulting!

  Men of the world take heed: hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Or certainly one with a microphone in her hand.

  Walls have ears

  In June 2000, viewers of Channel Ten Brisbane’s news bulletin gained an insight into newsreader Mary Louise Thielle’s life when she referred to her husband as ‘this arsehole I’m married to’ live on air.

  Thinking they were still on a commercial break, Thielle can be heard chatting to her fellow news anchor about him indoors. She apologized the following day.

  ‘I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.’

  GROUCHO MARX

  URBAN LEGENDS

  The myths of live broadcast debunked

  Chris Taylor, a guest on popular Australian breakfast television show Sunrise, chose his chance in the limelight to announce directly to camera, ‘My partner, Jo, never misses the show …so can I just put a message out to her? We’ve been together for seven years, and I just want to take this opportunity now live on television to say, Jo, get the fuck out of my life!’

  However, despite realistic onscreen graphics and some pretty good acting from the show’s real presenters, Taylor later confessed that the whole thing had been a set-up. It was in fact part of an elaborate series of pranks for Australian comedy series The Chaser’s War on Everything.

  ‘Television: teacher, mother, secret lover.’

  HOMER SIMPSON

  Is that it?

  During a sports report on Australia’s Ten News at Five, news anchor Belinda Heggen delivered a low blow when she mocked the size of her co-anchor’s manhood.

  After footage was shown of English cricketer Andrew Strauss proudly showing off what looked to be the world’s smallest trophy, co-anchor Mark Aiston said, ‘Belinda, I just can’t understand how something so small can be so impressive.’ To which she replied, ‘Well, Mark, you would know about that.’ She gamely carried on presenting, while Mark no doubt wept inside.

  ‘Television: chewing gum for the eyes.’

  ARCHITECT FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT

  BODILY DYSFUNCTION

  LETTING LOOSE

  When you’re in a tense situation, sometimes your brain goes into anxiety mode: What if my hand does that funny, flappy thing? What if my leg won’t stop jigging up and down? Oh, God, OH, GOD, what if I fart? Make no mistake – this is not idle paranoia. People really do fart on live television. And throw up. And sometimes they even wee. But that’s mostly the animals.

  The Demon Drink

  Two things it’s best not to combine: copious amounts of alcohol and live television. It will only end in disaster.

  Propped up

  ‘[While] doing a piece to camera on the Greek island where Shirley Valentine was filmed …we grabbed a bottle of retsina as a prop and off we went. The only problem was that each take was spoiled by something …But each time I had already taken a slug of retsina needed for the shot. Eventually, it was just me cocking up. I had to be helped off the beach.’

  Former GMTV breakfast show host Penny Smith

  on the perils of drinking on camera

  ‘If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.’

  COMEDIAN JOEY ADAMS

  In denial

  Reality TV show The Club – in which three celebrities were each given control of a bar in a London club – aired in the UK in 2003 for just six weeks. In that short time it still provided us with one of TV’s most uncomfortable moments: a clearly drunk veteran glamour model Samantha Fox (who also happened to be dressed up as a vampire) vehemently denying her state of intoxication during a live interview with her on-screen employee Steve.

  Wide-eyed and slurring her words, Fox’s defence to the accusation that she was drunk was that she’s an actress playing the part of a drunk – ‘I don’t need to be drunk to be like this. I’m like this at nine a clock in the morning!’ Just a few moments later she called Steve ‘an arsehole’ and claimed, ‘I don’t even drink.’ Her clearly incensed employee then proclaimed, ‘[You] lying cow …I’ve served you drinks!’ Despite Steve’s trump card, Fox still managed to grab the last word to Steve: ‘It’s a shame about your little knob, innit?’

  URBAN LEGENDS

  The myths of live broadcast debunked

  Erik Hartman, the host of a Flemish daytime talk show, was once unable to continue interviewing his guests due to a massive fit of the giggles during a discussion on ‘medical mistakes’. Hartman’s laughing fit appeared to have been provoked by two vocally challenged guests: the first of whom had an incredibly high-pitched voice caused by a recent, botched tonsillectomy; the second of whom sported a low, robotic voice due to his use of an electronic speech device that had been fitted after a laryngectomy.

  However, despite over 10 million hits on YouTube and an outing on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, the chat show was in fact faked. The sketch had been created for satirical sketch show In De Gloria, and the corpsing talk show host was actually played by comedian and actor Tom Van Dyck.

  Zip It!

  Everything could be going smoothly – the autocue’s working perfectly, the guests have been a dream …but then the uncontrollable happens: your wardrobe malfunctions.

  ‘Time has convinced me of one thing: television is for appearing on, not looking at.’

  NOËL COWARD

  Prize-winning idiot

  Former hosts of ITV’s flagship daytime television show This Morning, Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan, managed an amazing wardrobe fail in 2000 when they collected the award for Most Popular Daytime Programme at the National Television Awards.

  The problem began when Judy ascended the podium with her dress half-mast, leaving her well-upholstered breasts on show. Taking their statuettes from presenter Les Dennis, the couple turned to face the front, whereupon a full view of Finnigan’s bra was finally exposed, to mounting cries from the audience. Sadly, Madeley mistook the hoots and squeals for requests for him to perform his (substandard) Ali G impression. It makes for an unbearable watch.

  Here’s how it went down:

  Richard: No, I’m not doing it, I’m not doing it.

  Judy: [Adjusting her jacket – she’s clearly feeling a bit chilly, but doesn’t yet realize why.] The real one’s [Ali G] here!

  [Audience roars, at which point someone races up to the podium to adjust Judy’s top. Both she and Richard then realize their mistake.]

  Judy: Ohhhh!

  Richard: It’s OK, they’ll cut it out! They’ll never show it!

  Judy: It’s live!

  Avert your eyes

  Rapper Nicki Minaj suffered an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction while performing live on Good Morning America. During a lively performance of her latest single, Minaj accidentally exposed her left nipple. Despite the recording’s five-second delay, Nicki’s bits were broadcast to the entire
nation. Oops!

  No Funny Business

  Sex, sex, sex: it makes the world go round. Even live TV can’t seem to get enough of it!

  Is that a wad of cash in your pocket?

  Male anchor: And we’ve the latest on the Labour MP thrown out of Parliament after fiddling her erection expenses. [Notices female anchor staring at him.] Did I say erection? I did, didn’t I?

  BBC Look North

  Location, location, location

  In 1977, Bob Eubanks, the host of The Newlywed Game, posed a slightly risqué question to a young couple that garnered an even more risqué response.